Why Kidnapping the Chief of Berk Is a Bad Idea
by DeathBerryHime
Summary: In which the bounty on Hiccup's head is still on and some Bounty Hunters decide it's a good idea to kidnap the Chief of Berk... on his wedding night... needless to say, Astrid wasn't happy.


**Why Kidnapping the Chief of Berk Is a Bad Idea**

-In which Bounty Hunters don't know what's good for them and Astrid is _extremely displeased_-

This is a Hiccstrid Wedding AU where the dragons don't have to leave for the Hidden World.

**Warnings:** language; Astrid being Astrid; Hiccup being a sarcastic little shit; and if you look closely you can see the whump-trope as well...

**Disclaimer:** The _How to Train Your Dragon_ franchise belongs to _DreamWorks Animation _and_ Cressida Cowell_

**…&…**

Hiccup woke up to a pounding head and a rolling stomach.

You'd think it'd be because of the mead from last night, but no. It wasn't the mead, it wasn't the loud music, or the fast-paced dancing he had done, not even the fact that the last thing he remembered was taking his wife to their marriage bed.

Blinking, Hiccup registered the dark hold of a ship, the rocking of the sea, and that he was hanging from the ceiling.

_Shit_. Astrid is going to be so mad.

An image of a smiling Astrid dressed in her wedding dress and with apple blossoms in her hair made Hiccup wince.

_Crap_. He left Astrid waiting on their wedding night. She's gonna be furious.

The door was wrenched open and two burly Vikings entered. The grins on their face made Hiccup frown.

"What is it this time?" They didn't say anything as they walked forward. "I hope you have a new excuse because if it's dragons again I'll be really disappointed."

He was ready for the punch; he had endured worse.

"Shut it, twig." The one with the eye-patch growled. The other one, with the crooked teeth, just cracked his knuckles.

"Someone has a heavy penny on your head, skinny. I've been looking for new boots lately." He shoved a paper at his face and when he managed to lean back far enough to take a look, Hiccup wanted to laugh.

"You do know that you'll never get your money right?"

They both laughed and sneered at him. Hiccup frowned.

"No, I'm serious. The Grimborns are both dead."

The bounty hunters stopped and stared at him, shared a glance before staring at him again.

"You lie." Eye-patch growled and stepped forward. Hiccup, recalling all the chaos that had happened when that Thor-damned bounty first came out, leaned back.

"I really don't. You'd think I'd still be here if they weren't? I mean, I was a real thorn at their side and they did try to kill me, but one is at the bottom of the ocean and the other buried in a cave at an island outside the Archipelago."

Astrid had told him many times that he tended to ramble. She had found it cute and endearing and she used to kiss him when he talked in circles and made his brain putty.

He had the distinct thought that these bounty hunters didn't find it cute or endearing. They definitely didn't kiss him either.

"Hey!" Hiccup said after a particularly hard shove. "Watch it! I wouldn't do that if I were you!"

Crooked Teeth sneered –_ew, when was the last time he brushed it?_– and shoved him again. "You think we are scared of your lizards?"

Hiccup was baffled. Surely, they didn't think dragons were the only thing in Berk's arsenal.

"Liz-! Who said anything about dragons? Have you met my _wife_?"

At their mocking sneers, Hiccup came to the conclusion that no, they didn't know one Astrid Hofferson-recently-turned-Haddock.

"You think we are afraid of one frail little woman?" Eye-patch mocked.

"We are too far from the Archipelago, skinny. They'll never find you." Crooked Teeth grinned.

Oh, these poor idiots. He almost pitied them. _Almost_.

As if on cue something fell on the deck above. The two bounty hunters frowned, Hiccup felt a grin forming on his face. Then he remembered he had probably let her wait for the entirety of their wedding night and promptly paled.

_"I know he is here, you maggots! Either you come out or I'm coming after you, you rats!"_

Yep. The cavalry has arrived.

The bounty hunters –those poor bastards– made the mistake of running up on deck, swords and daggers at the ready to fight off the sudden threat. Personally, Hiccup thought they'd have better luck swimming to the edge of Midgard. At least, it's what _he_'d do, had he heard the lovely voice of his furious wife.

What followed was a series of grunts, war cries, swears, and pleas for mercy.

_"How _DARE_ you kidnap him on our wedding night!"_

_"We are sorry!"_

_"I should gut you like the pigs you are!"_

_"Please! Have mercy!"_

_"My _sPLEEN_!"_

Music to his ears, really.

When the cacophony above ended, the gangplank was shoved away and through the glaring light came Astrid dressed in her battle armor, her ax, and the flower crown he'd suppose to remove. Hiccup grinned when she came down.

"Why, hello milady! How are you this fine morning?"

"I'd be better if my husband stopped getting kidnapped all the time." Astrid rolled her eyes and cut him loose. "Like, what time is this one, fifteenth?"

"Twelveth, actually! What can you do, milady? Your husband is _very sought after_." He said grinning and Astrid fondly rolled her eyes.

"That you are." She sighed before taking his hand and helping him at the deck. Toothless happily bounded over, whacking with his tail Eye-patch to Stormfly, who promptly sat down on both his captors, looking rather pleased with herself.

"You didn't drag anyone else with you?" Hiccup said after he greeted his best friend.

"Everyone else is piss drunk, how did you think they managed to slip past our defenses?" His wife said while she watched Stormfly knock his captors unconscious. "We really need better rules when the mead and ale come into the equation, babe."

"Eh, we are dragon riding Vikings, every day is a new adventure!"

Astrid shot him a deadpan look. "I'd rather not have _this_ excitement repeated again. Now come on!" She said as she mounted Stormfly, "I saw a couple comfortable sea stacks a few miles over."

"Milady is being so bold. Shouldn't we wait until we reach New Berk and our bed?"

"I waited all damn night for your ass, I'm not waiting a minute longer. Let's go!"

Hiccup followed Astrid's quick take off with a rather dreamy grin on his face. "As Milady commands."


End file.
